The Onion's Article Titles Are The Best Part

Honestly, I think I enjoy the titles of The Onion articles more than the actual articles. For example:

Actress’ Abortion Written Into TV Show
High School Student Council Passes Nonbinding Resolution
Kindergartner Being Groomed For Line-Leader Position
Unreleased Jimmy Page Guitar Riff To Be Retrieved From Secret Vault To Save Rock And Roll
Anchor Ad-Libs News With 97 Percent Accuracy